Couch Potato
by Vietta
Summary: Cloud lets himself go and Tifa gets upset.


Tifa grabbed the remote control and turned the television off, a scowl marring her graceful features. She turned to the sleeping, snoring behemoth on the couch, her patience lost as she gave him a disproving once over. Cloud had let himself go over the past few weeks; the beer cans resting on his blossoming beer belly were proof of that. Without Sephiroth around, Cloud seemed to have lost his purpose in life and without his purpose; he had decided that doing nothing was his new career. Tifa had tolerated his couch potato habits while he was recovering from the wounds he had obtained in his last battle with Sephiroth, Sephiroth seemed to have a strange habit of stabbing Cloud through his right shoulder, but over the past few weeks where Cloud had been fully healed and still sitting on her couch, she had run down past her point of tolerance.

Tifa tossed the remote at Cloud, frowning in disgust as it bounced off his belly to land on her coffee table, which was coated in crumbs and littered with crumpled napkins, empty pop and beer cans, and one soda bottle that was filled with a yellow liquid that Tifa couldn't place. She didn't remember bringing him any lemonade or apple juice. "Wake up you bum!"

Cloud snorted awake, bouncing his head off his double-chin rest. "W-wha?"

"You have been sitting on that couch for days! All you've done is sleep and eat and drink beer! Half the time you don't even get up to go to the bathroom!" Tifa wrinkled her nose at the suspicious soda bottle that was on her coffee table.

"I'm tired Tifa! I'm still recovering!" Cloud nodded at his shoulder, where a tiny scratch could still be seen.

"You are fully recovered! You're tired because you eat nothing but junk and you fry your brain on idiot box radiation until three in the morning!" Tifa set her hands on her hips, upset that Cloud had taken over her living room and had reached the epitome of laziness.

"But…what else do I have to do with myself?" Cloud looked at Tifa, face pathetically downcast.

Tifa grabbed Cloud by his ear and tugged him off the couch. "You can wash yourself up and clean up this ridiculous mess you've made! Then you can run a delivery for me."

Cloud didn't protest. He was too smart to even attempt to make a protest. Tifa would rip his balls off if he tried.

By the time Cloud was ready to make the delivery, Tifa's anger had simmered down drastically. She even gave him a hug before he got onto his motorcycle. "I just want you to get better, Cloud. This moping around isn't good for you."

Cloud nodded and climbed onto Fenrir, noting with distaste that his pants were tastelessly tight. He let Tifa strap the delivery on the back of his bike before he took off, hoping she would cool off even more by the time he got home so that he could possibly convince her to let him watch his favorite television program.

Cloud sped along the streets of Edge, delivery completed in time for him to get home for dinner. He watched buildings zip by, not very interested in the people milling around the town. He was bored with life, not because life was boring, but because without Sephiroth around to make his life hell he didn't have anything exciting to do. Everyone else was happy to settle down and life a normal life, but Cloud needed some thrill in his life. Sephiroth had given him that thrill, and now that Sephiroth was gone Cloud needed something else. He was fairly sure he wouldn't find another challenge like Sephiroth, however.

Tifa sighed and rubbed her forehead with a flour covered hand, feeling stressed and lonesome. Denzel had gone to Barrett's house to have a sleepover with Marlene, Vincent was spending more and more time with Tseng, and Rude was on a mission so she couldn't call her favorite boyfriend and invite him to help ease the tension in the room that she felt when she was around Cloud now. Everyone was gone, except for her and Cloud.

She brightened at a knock on the door, hoping that Vincent and Tseng had gotten into another disagreement so that he would be home for supper. She hated herself for wanting the dark-haired man to have gotten into a fight with his lover, but she would take any scenario over being left alone with Cloud for an evening of quiet brooding.

Tifa wiped her hands on her apron and answered the door, nearly fainting when she opened it. She gaped at the silhouette in the doorway, not believing her eyes. "Y-you?"

"Is Cloud home?" Sephiroth looked at Tifa, his sea-green eyes missing the fiery hatred they normally held.

Tifa shook her head, giving Sephiroth a once-over in disbelief. He had grown quite a bit around his waist, and she truly wished his chest wasn't showing through his revealing outfit as the man-boobs he now sported demanded support that only a bra could give. "He's out on a delivery."

"Can I wait for him here?" Sephiroth squirmed in his uncomfortably tight outfit, "I need to have a word with him about the condition he keeps himself in."

"Yeah, you can join us for dinner." Tifa opened the door, shocked that she was letting a mass-murderer into her home. However, she had promised herself that she would take any scenario over being home alone with Cloud for dinner, and she wasn't about to kick Sephiroth out in favor of a night spend watching Cloud drown his sorrows in cheesy chips and beer.

Cloud parked Fenrir, sliding off the seat with some difficulty. He didn't exactly like the feel of his thigh fat jiggling against the motorcycle; it chafed him in places that didn't need to be chafed. He sighed and opened the door, hoping Tifa would be more relaxed and less naggy. He didn't need to deal with her nagging right now.

Tifa served out the food once she heard Cloud's motorcycle stop in the driveway. Sephiroth looked to the door, cracking his knuckles with a scowl. "I'm guessing that's him?"

Tifa nodded and sat, not sure whether she should be concerned about the two or not. Sephiroth didn't look like his pudgy arms would be hefting his Masamune anytime soon, so she decided to act like nothing was wrong. At least the two would make dinner interesting.

Cloud walked into the dinning room and nearly peed himself, eyes growing wide in shock until they resembled blue grapefruits. "S-Sephiroth!" He looked around wildly for his sword, which he forgot that he had been using to slice apples while he watched television.

Sephiroth frowned at Cloud and gestured to the seat across from him. "Sit down, Cloud. We need to talk about the condition you brought me back in."

Cloud sat, not wanting to disobey when he couldn't find his sword. "I didn't bring you back, not on purpose anyways."

"I come back every time you seem weak, which usually means you're brooding or moping over something. This time, however, you were weak because you gained a shit-load of weight. If you hadn't noticed yet, you've forced me to put on weight as well." Sephiroth grabbed a carrot off his plate and took a large bite of it, wanting to feel healthy again.

Cloud grabbed his fork and shakily took a bite of the salad Tifa had prepared, knowing that she was trying to encourage him to loose weight by bringing healthy foods to the table. He could smell the pungent Brussels sprouts she had made and he gagged on the scent. "So, what do we do about it? I kind of like you being fat as hell. You're not going to be as hard to defeat now."

"I'd be easier to defeat if you weren't fat as hell as well." Sephiroth downed his carrot, grabbing a bowl of Brussels sprouts and eating them ravenously.

Cloud reluctantly began eating his carrot, grimacing at the taste it had. "So what should we do?"

"I am going to get your fat ass in shape, that's what we're going to do. I can't stand being fat." Sephiroth finished his vegetables and glared at Cloud.

"If you say not interested, Cloud, I'm going to shove your balls down your throat and out your ass. Got it?" Tifa frowned at Cloud as he opened his mouth, daring him to form the words she knew he wanted to.

Cloud swallowed his catch-phrase retort and nodded. "Got it. We can start tomorrow."

Tifa nodded in approval and smiled, getting up to grab the dessert she had made. "Great! Let's have dessert and then we can prepare a room for Sephiroth to stay in."

Cloud brightened at the mention of dessert, holding up his plate for her so she could serve him. "Sounds good to me."

Tifa grinned and set a slice of cake on each of their plates, sitting back down. "Enjoy, boys. This'll be the last sweet both of you have until you're both slim and buff again."

Sephiroth nodded and ate his cake without complaint. "Alright."

Cloud took a bite of the cake and spat it out. "What is this!"

"Carrot cake." Tifa grinned and ate hers happily, watching Cloud struggle to put the words 'carrot' and 'cake' together.

"This is NOT a sweet! This is very very not sweet!" Cloud pushed his plate away, appetite ruined.

"You don't need anymore sweets anyways, fatty." Sephiroth snorted and finished his cake, grinning at Cloud's dismay.

Cloud pouted, watching the two banes of his life eat their dessert with apparent delight. He hated carrot cake. It was an oxymoron. Who in their right mind would enjoy carrots in a cake? Of course, Sephiroth and Tifa both seemed to be enjoying their cake, but Cloud had driven Tifa insane over the past few weeks and Sephiroth had been insane for years so it made some amount of sense that they would both enjoy their nasty pseudo-sweet.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: I love this story. <strong>

**It makes me happy.**

**I don't write Cloud very often, but when I do I enjoy it.**

**I write Tifa even less often than I write Cloud, but she's perfect for this role so I enjoyed writing her.**

**Is anyone else amused by the mental image of Cloud and Sephiroth with beer bellies?**


End file.
